He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
