theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need a beard to bite.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize