Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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