I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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