i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she peed on how many people?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
