Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
