remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
