ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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