masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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