best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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