where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
