Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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