I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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