Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
