I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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