I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
