I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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