pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You can't motorboat a personality
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
