I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
