Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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