I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
