How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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