babies were throwing up all over the place
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
