why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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