The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
