I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
