Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
