he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
