hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
