"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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