dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
