he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize