Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
