someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
