THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize