just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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