Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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