3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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