You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
