I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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