im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I stole a fireplace last night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
