thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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