So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
