Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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