My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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