fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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