Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
