remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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