I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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