I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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