you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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