The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
