Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
