So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
