I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize