you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
