If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
