you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
