New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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