my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
