I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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