I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize