you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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