brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
