I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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