They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
