Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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